Worst. Muffin. Ever.

Some may argue that by ordering a muffin – any muffin – at the fledgling Juan Valdez Cafe (JVC) kiosk in Philadelphia’s Suburban Station, I was asking for trouble. This is true.

But when a muffin – any muffin – is this offensive, this disgusting, this undeserving of the label “food”, let alone “muffin,” I feel a modicum of outrage is still justified.

The best I can say about the low-fat blueberry “muffin” I ordered this morning was that it looked like a muffin. When I attempted to separate a piece from the highly-coveted muffin top, this is what happened: Instead of a delicious crumb of pastry, I was forced to strip around the entire overhang to pull anything off.

This was no breakfast.

This was a piece of rubber masquerading as something edible. When, after at least twenty chews, I finally spit the monstrosity out, I swear I could actually hear the blueberries crying out, as if trapped in some horrible, chemically concocted prison. “Free us,” they screamed from inside the beast.

I saved as many as I could before burying what was left of the abomination in the closest garbage.

Though you may know a thing or two about coffee, ponchos, wide-brimmed hats and mules, Juan Valdez… you have a hell of a lot to learn about muffins.

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3 responses to “Worst. Muffin. Ever.

  1. “…I swear I could actually hear the blueberries crying out, as if trapped in some horrible, chemically concocted prison. β€œFree us,” they screamed from inside the beast.”

    This made me snort my coffee up my nose. Thanks.

    You’re hilarious. πŸ™‚

  2. JVC Employee

    What the hell were you expecting from a shiney, low fat muffin? You can see it tastes like rubber, so of course they taste like shit!

    Go up to the register, ask for a blueberry muffin, referring to the LF muffin, and we’ll crinckle our nose, lower our brow, and tell you it’s low fat. That should be a tell-tale sign to choose another.

    And! In my opinion, if your looking for a low fat muffin, eat an apple instead. Or maybe buy some blueberries.

    All that said, before you buy a low fat muffin from anybody, ask if they come from LeBus. If they do, move on- because it’ll be the same exact muffin.

    Oh, and if you do decide to buy one, they make great hackey-sacks. Or chuck ’em at the interns head, they’ll bounce back in perfect condition.

  3. Hmmmm, I don’t know whether to respond to the criticism of the muffin or the criticism of me for ordering the muffin. πŸ™‚

    Let’s do this: I’ll agree to never order a low-fat muffin again if you agree to make even more horrified faces to customers that order them.

    Deal?

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