Worst. Muffin. Ever.

Some may argue that by ordering a muffin – any muffin – at the fledgling Juan Valdez Cafe (JVC) kiosk in Philadelphia’s Suburban Station, I was asking for trouble. This is true.

But when a muffin – any muffin – is this offensive, this disgusting, this undeserving of the label “food”, let alone “muffin,” I feel a modicum of outrage is still justified.

The best I can say about the low-fat blueberry “muffin” I ordered this morning was that it looked like a muffin. When I attempted to separate a piece from the highly-coveted muffin top, this is what happened: Instead of a delicious crumb of pastry, I was forced to strip around the entire overhang to pull anything off.

This was no breakfast.

This was a piece of rubber masquerading as something edible. When, after at least twenty chews, I finally spit the monstrosity out, I swear I could actually hear the blueberries crying out, as if trapped in some horrible, chemically concocted prison. “Free us,” they screamed from inside the beast.

I saved as many as I could before burying what was left of the abomination in the closest garbage.

Though you may know a thing or two about coffee, ponchos, wide-brimmed hats and mules, Juan Valdez… you have a hell of a lot to learn about muffins.

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3 responses to “Worst. Muffin. Ever.

  1. “…I swear I could actually hear the blueberries crying out, as if trapped in some horrible, chemically concocted prison. “Free us,” they screamed from inside the beast.”

    This made me snort my coffee up my nose. Thanks.

    You’re hilarious. 🙂

  2. JVC Employee

    What the hell were you expecting from a shiney, low fat muffin? You can see it tastes like rubber, so of course they taste like shit!

    Go up to the register, ask for a blueberry muffin, referring to the LF muffin, and we’ll crinckle our nose, lower our brow, and tell you it’s low fat. That should be a tell-tale sign to choose another.

    And! In my opinion, if your looking for a low fat muffin, eat an apple instead. Or maybe buy some blueberries.

    All that said, before you buy a low fat muffin from anybody, ask if they come from LeBus. If they do, move on- because it’ll be the same exact muffin.

    Oh, and if you do decide to buy one, they make great hackey-sacks. Or chuck ’em at the interns head, they’ll bounce back in perfect condition.

  3. Hmmmm, I don’t know whether to respond to the criticism of the muffin or the criticism of me for ordering the muffin. 🙂

    Let’s do this: I’ll agree to never order a low-fat muffin again if you agree to make even more horrified faces to customers that order them.

    Deal?

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